#essbie does college

[smallblueandloud]

i'm 3 episodes behind on doctor who and by all accounts these are 3 of the most essbie-targeted episodes ever made and i. am STRUGGLING. against the desire to catch up RIGHT NOW

[smallblueandloud]

finished my last project of college today and celebrated by chalk talking the timeline of doctor who series 5-9 onto the whiteboard and making my friends listen

[smallblueandloud]

i have to lesson plan tonight for my practice lesson tomorrow but folks i showered and that truly was the end of my momentum for today. wednesdays are so long and i am so tired.

i could work on it tomorrow. but knowing me i will put it off. and i was so freaked out last time. so i'm trying to avoid a repeat of that.

okay maybe the trick is just to talk myself through it on this post. i will feel better if i can even just pick a topic and a vague lesson structure.

i have opened up the state math standards and also the feedback from the last practice lesson! i am going to post this and then keep thinking out loud in the next reblog

[smallblueandloud]

like. yes. my semester is officially a trainwreck. is this self-inflicted? yes. but also, like. does it count as self-inflicted if the reason why you spent a week doing nothing is because you couldn't force yourself to do work because you're burnt out from 15 years of suffering through school and 2 surgeries in one year and a major you hate and did i mention 2 surgeries in 1 year?

honestly no i don't think it does. count as self-inflicted, i mean. i spent a week doing nothing but then the next week i had 3 project-related assignments including the practice lesson i spent a full 24 hours preparing. you guys saw me do that! i wasn't doing nothing! i'm working at a middle school for full workdays twice a week. like. i can't keep up with all of this AND make up all the work i missed while experiencing a major infection. it makes sense that i can't do that. it makes sense that i am struggling like crazy. god.

i am very bad at being forgiving towards myself but i'm trying. it's okay if i look lazy. i know i'm not lazy. i know what needs to happen and i know how it needs to happen. tomorrow, the essay. on saturday, the project and the midterm. on sunday, the other midterm. on monday, the other essay. i'll still have things left but it's what i can do. i will feel so good at least TRYING to climb the cliff in front of me. even though the cliff is impossibly high and only growing. at least i'm trying.

[smallblueandloud]

i frankly just have stopped giving a shit about this project

[smallblueandloud]

i just have to send two scary emails and then i can go to bed. just two scary emails. they won't take that long! i can do it i know i can!

[smallblueandloud]

finally home and rested (i slept 9 hours) and well-fed. and now. i just have. to do one last thing for school. and then i'll be done? and then i'll be done. hard to keep it in mind but i Will be done.

[depressedly opens overleaf] just one more..........

[smallblueandloud]

hello stress-based insomnia i have not missed you. i don't have a ton of reasons to be stressed right now -- i'm not done, but i'm close to it. i think i've just been stressed for so long that my body doesn't know how to calm down

it's okay. i just have to have breakfast and pack tomorrow. i can afford to lie here with the lights on in an attempt to tire myself out for a little longer

[smallblueandloud]

do you guys think that if i pretend to have a second ruptured appendix that they'll let me off easy

[smallblueandloud]

behind on a lot of things -- just realized that the class i'm super behind on wants us to do peer review today (i do not have anything to peer review). trying to be at peace instead of freezing. trying to remember that this happens to anyone; that it's better to show up and ask questions than ghost; that there IS good reason for me to be super behind; that the primary person i'll be helping by working for the next 45 minutes is me!

i am so close to being done with this awful marathon -- the number of assignments i have left can be counted on two hands. i can make some progress today.

[smallblueandloud]

Okay. i just have to deal with five (5) emails. five (5) emails and then i can collapse and call today a Win.

[smallblueandloud]

walked past a rehearsal room on campus today and they were playing LIVE JAZZ! they had a FLUTE! god it was so, so beautiful. figured it would be weird to sit down outside the door just to listen so instead i'm walking around listening to dizzy gilespie and marveling at how truly magical jazz feels

[smallblueandloud]

i'm trying to recognize when anxiety is making it hard to work on something, so. okay, i'm anxious about my ML homework and it's making me procrastinate. i have to code some things and then answer some questions about them. problems:

i'm not fully done with the coding section

it's very unclear if the code i've written is even right

i don't know if the parts of the writeup that i've done have enough detail

i'm scared i won't know how to do the last section of the writeup

if i want to finish this homework tonight (or at least make significant progress), i have to deal with all of these concerns eventually. so. how to resolve all of these?

the last part of the coding section is apparently straightforward and it doesn't really depend on the rest of the code. so. i can work on that now.

there's not really a way for me to check the code i've written. i'm getting results that semi-make sense and i think that's about as good as we can do. also, even if i have to edit my code later, it won't break everything (and it won't be super hard to edit my writeup as long as i have it Started)

...it won't have enough detail until i write it. also it'll be easier to add detail once i have Anything written down. (also, this is the first bit of homework, so once again there's kinda... not a way for me to check this. i just have to guess.)

hitting that wall will feel better if i have the rest of the homework done already

i don't know if thinking through this will help. but in the past i've just kinda... avoided things because i was afraid of making a choice or having to face something. and it turns out that it is almost ALWAYS better to make the choice or face the scary thing earlier rather than later. so here i am, trying to face it now.

[smallblueandloud]

accidentally have spent 4 hours lying in bed watching drag race clips. whoops. i have been procrastinating all day because i was supposed to write an essay (supposed to write it yesterday, technically) but the assignment is so vague and i hate the professor so much and i just have not felt any desire to actually do it. also i'm calling my parents in ten minutes.

BUT. i do need to have this done tonight. AND. it won't actually be that miserable to do once i get into the groove? i get to write about my mom, which won't be a hardship.

okay so what's the plan? i call my parents in 8 minutes now. can i get anything done before that?

force myself to think about things on the macro level (<- we're here!)

make an outline for the essay

assign wordcounts for each section

write the sections

this really won't be the hardest thing i've ever done. i have done all of these things before, and i can do them again. i'm gonna go start to think about an outline.

[smallblueandloud]

the first things i had to do today were go to lecture and buy more kleenex. i have done these things! yay essbie

the next thing i have to work on today is algorithms class. first i am going to do the quick multiple-choice questions. then i'm going to do the homework. there are seven parts to this homework and i understand all of them, it's just a matter of writing up the solutions.

there are other things i want to work on but these are the first steps.

[smallblueandloud]

happy spring. really is the time of year where i'm up ridiculously late and forcing friends to talk about sondheim with me